To go, or not to go?

To go, or not to go: that is the question.

It is Friday morning. And I am sitting at here debating with myself whether or not to go to WW tomorrow morning and weigh-in. Why am I having this internal conflict? Because I am still mad at myself for eating as much as I did on July 4th. And if I go and find out I lost weight, I will be happy. And if I go and found out I gained, I will be really, REALLY upset. And sometimes not knowing it better.

Here are a few things you may not know. WW gives you 49 "bonus" points to use each week if you go over your daily allowance. You also can earn activity points for exercising. But activity points need to be used on the day they are earned, you can't carry them over from one day to the next the way you could on previous iterations of WW. Typically, I try not to use my bonus or activity points. For one, I am neurotic, and worry that I won't be successful if I eat beyond what's allowed by my daily point range. Perhaps more importantly, I tend to use Saturday as a cheat day. So I assume that any extra bonus/activity points are being consumed on Saturday and are not available for use during the rest of the week.

Here is an explanation of my anxiety

July 1: Exercised, and earned 11 activity points. Foodwise, I tracked. Did ok. Drank all my water, had plenty of fruti and vegetables.

July 2: Pizza night. Went over my daily allottment *a little*. But ok.

July 3rd: Planned my day and tracked my points. A day that included a trip to the movies and dinner with a friend. I counted my points and made "smart" decisions. I even shared dessert which I dutifully tracked afterwards. But, being the neurotic that I am, I worry that I didn't track dessert correctly (had to guess on the portion size). I used all my points, but if I didn't track correctly, I may have gone over.

July 4th: Started the day off great. Made breakfast for the kids (blueberry pancakes, which certain children complained were 'ick'). Met a friend at the gym. Did 40 minutes on the elliptical (4 pts.), and spent 50 minutes on the treadmill doing intervals (8 pts. because I can't seem to run for more than 3 minutes at time). I felt good. Strong. Ready to go. I was deliberately saving points for a party later in the day, so I ate a little something around lunchtime. But by 3pm I was starving. As in, "I can't wait until 4pm when the party starts because I may eat my own hand. Or one of the children." So I had something little (hummus, cucumbers, and a handful of Sun Chips). But it wasn't enough. I got to my parent's house and I was over-hungry. Which translated into a complete and utter lack of impulse control: margarita(s), a little soda, chips, guacamole, baked beans, bratwursts, dessert, etc. And forget about tracking.

July 5th: Did OK.

Which leads me to today.

Rationally, I know that it's about how I feel, and not a number. I get it. But I am still human, and "getting healthy," in my mind, is secondary to "losing weight." Not losing weight (for me) is the same as failure. I will be the first to admit that this is a process, and that there will be peaks and valleys. It just seems like I have been at this number for a while and I can't seem to move. A pound up, a pound down. A couple of ounces here, a few there. I have been doing this for almost a year. I am thrilled with that I jhave done, but I am starting to wish I had more to show for myself. Irrational? Yes. But I am also my harshest critic.

I didn't weigh-in last week. . . combination of exhaustion, my period, work travel, and a desire to sleep-in. My normal meeting leader has also been out for the last few weeks and I'm not crazy about the substitute. She's nice, but she doesn't know me, where I've been, where I want to go, and how/why I struggle. I am tired of being disappointed when I weigh-in. And that is what I have experienced for the last few weeks. Maybe I won't be disappointed. Maybe I will be. Maybe unicorns are real.

Decisions .  . . . decisions.

Here we go again

Back In the saddle again

It's official.

I suck at WW when I am out of my conform zone. The day starts with good intentions and goes down from there. In light of this revelation, here are my goals for the week.

1. Get in the recommended fruits, vegetables and water.

2. Take the multivitamin.

3. Track. Everything.

4. Plan ahead for the 4th of July and stick to the plan.

5. Eating out a lot this (mostly work, some pleasure). Plan ahead.

Lets see if publicly writing out (and publishing) goals for the week helps. Because I have got to do something different.

Wow. Don't I sound like a broken record.