Dread

I packed my lunch.
I printed out my monthly pass.
I double-checked the meeting time.

And I am still sitting here at work with a sense of dread in the pit of my stomach.

I need to figure our how to put the past behind me, accept the failures for what they are and move on. However, to do that also means letting go of past success. No longer am I the meeting success story who managed to work the program. Instead, I feel like I am right back where I started. Which probably isn't the case, but that's how it feels.

I actually woke up this morning and debated NOT going to a meeting. But then I realized that I would hate myself even more if I did that. . . because I know that going is a choice, and it's a choice I need to make for myself, my family and my health/future.

This weekend, out of the blue, one of the girls asked why I don't go to WW anymore. She doesn't understand weight, body image or clothes being too small. She asked because I used to bring her to meetings with me. I'd drop off the dry-cleaning, stop next door and get her a bagel and go to WW. The leader would always make a fuss of her and she loved getting on the scale to see how big she was. Having that 1:1 time with her on Saturday morning was special. Perhaps that is the push and incentive I need to keep going.

So ashamed of myself

I joined WW in July 2011 and over a period of a year and half I lost 70 pounds.

In the last 6 months I've gained a lot of it back. I am not sure how much, because I have yet to work up the courage to go back to a meeting and weigh myself. In addition to not tracking and making less than spectacular food choices, I see myself slipping into old patterns. Avoiding cameras, mirrors and my reflection. Not wanting to go within 10 feet of a scale. Making excuses. Clothes not fitting as well as they used to (or at all). I hate how I look. And I hate how I feel.

I KNOW what I need to do: attend meetings, track, recommit to working the program. But it's HARD. And I can't seem to find the motivation that I had back when I first joined. Now I am paying the price for it. I've fallen into a pathetic pattern over the last six months. I am really "good" for a week (water, exercising, tracking) and then after a week I am back to old habits.

What I do know, with certainty, is that I feel better about myself personally and professionally when I am in control of my weight/body/food. I recently started a new job and I want to physically feel good about myself because it spills over to my job (I am a professionally fundraiser). I also want and need to be a better example for my family.

I am ashamed of myself. That I came SO FAR and back-slid SO MUCH. I came here out of desperation and seeking motivation. And perhaps a kick in the tush.

Maybe I will post this publicly on Facebook. Maybe I am not ready. I don't want people to think that I am doing so in an effort to illicit attention. I am not fishing for comments like, "You look great" or "I can't tell you've gained weight." And I hate it when others do that.