Searching for motivation...and pictures of food

I feel like if I am going to celebrate success, than I also have to be willing to admit challenges. So here goes nothing.

I seem to be having a hard time getting my head in the WW game the last few weeks. I feel like I am going through the motions and that's about it. Last week I weighed and I stayed the same. I was hopeful that I had lost, grateful that I didn't gain, and honest enough with myself to acknowledge that I hadn't really done the work that leads to losing weight.  I tracked my food, but I know that I could have done a better job of writing EVERYTHING down. . .because if you bite it, you've got to write it. And if you nibble it, you've got to scibble it. I also could have exercised more. It dawned on me this morning that I am supposed to participate in another 5K in a few weeks and and that I am woefully unprepared. I haven't run outside since before Christmas. Just haven't had the motivation. I know it's something I should do, and that it's something that makes me feel good afterwards, but the idea of exercising at 4:30am so I can then put in a 12-hour day (16 if you factor in the kids) isn't so appealing when I am setting my alarm clock.

I've been doing what I've been doing for seven months. I've had a really, REALLY good record of losing. I want to keep going. I need to keep going. I like that people are noticing how I look. That I have a closet full of too-big clothes. That I have more confidence. That I am not avoiding mirrors as much. So why can't I get my act together?

Where is my head right now? I joined Pinterest and found myself creating a pin board entitled "Things I Hope To Make One Day." It includes pictures of food....decadent things like lemon fudge, gooey brownies, and cheesecake in a jar. I suppose it's better to look at the pictures rather than actually making and eating it. Still, I feel like I am going through the motions and I worry that it's just not good enough anymore. The first 25 came off a lot easier (and faster) than the second 25 did. And I'd like to lose another at least another 30 by June. Part of me wonders if I need to take a little bit of a WW-holiday in order to give myself a breaks and jump-start my metabolism. However, that's a slippery slope. It's one thing to have a cheat day (or two). But longer than that means having to get back on bandwagon, refocus, and then deal with the ramifications of going off program....like gaining weight.

I know what I have to do. Maybe Pinterest is the answer to my motivation problem. Perhaps I need to just keep posting pictures of shit I want to make and eat? Reminds me of my friend Scott. When we were kids he used to cut out pictures of food and tape them to his closet door so he would have something to look at and think about when (if) his parents sent him to bed without dinner.

I'm open to thoughts and words is wisdom. Because right now I'm worried that I'll soon need GPS to find my motivation. Although cheesecake in a jar looks super yummy. As does cherry pie in a jar.......

Happy Valentine's Day

In honor of tis Hallmark Holiday from Hell, the HR department at work decided to put out a lovely spread in for the staff to enjoy in the conference room. Including heart shaped bagels, cream cheeses, juice and chocolate candies. In addition, a lovely co-worker of mine made several sheet cakes for the staff. . . lemon, chocolate and butter pecan. And they decorated the conference room to make it festive and pretty with red balloons and decorations?

Sure, I splurged and had half a bagel and cream cheese. And two small bites of cake. Truthfully? I wanted to lock myself in that room with nothing but a fork and go wild.

It's Gala Time!

Hit WW this morning and surpassed the 50 pound mark. Definitely a good way to start the weekend. I am feeling MUCH better about the this evening's festivities. Time to get my gala on! Pictures forthcoming. Maybe.

Never underestimate the power of a good "over-the-shoulder-boulder-holder"

The end is in sight.

To recap, I bought a pretty lace, beaded, chocolate brown cocktail dress for the gala I am attending this weekend. It took me a few tries to get the right size, but it fits. And I didn't have the strength to keep on shopping. So I kept it, knowing that I would need industrial strength Spanx to, as Tim Gunn says, "make it work."

As a woman with curves (re. fat) I am well versed on the many varieties of shapewear on the market. Because I currently own most of them. Or have owned them in the past. But nothing in my current stash quite worked with the dress. So Last week I went with a friend over to Alice Rae in Scottsdale. For those of you not familiar with this place let me tell you, this is hands-down the BEST intimate apparel store in town (southeast corner of Scottsdale and Shea, across from Oregano's). Screw Oprah and her "Bra Whisperer" over at Fashion Square. Julia at Alice Rae my new hero.

I first discovered Alice Rae in 2005. I was getting ready to go back to work full-time and had stopped nursing Thing #1. Someone referred me there in order to get a real bra. As in, one that actually fit. Let me tell you, it was WAY cheaper than a boob job and without the bruising and chicken-cutlet look. Over the years I've referred people to the store and I've been back myself (they made shopping for a bustier for a bridesmaid dress a little less horrific). It's not cheap, but they know what they're doing and it's worth every penny.

So me, the friend and the dress headed over to Alice Rae. Tried on a few things, learned that I lost a cup size, and ordered something called a cincher. If you're not sure what it is Google it. Bottom line? When you wear it it smooths your stomach, gets rid of the back fat, and makes me look like a have a waist. Something I last had for about 10 minutes in 1998.

Last night I went back to the store and picked up the cincher and a new bra (which my friend bluntly said, "looks like something leftover from Madonna's Blonde Ambition tour). Took them home and tried them on with the dress.

My daughter's took their eyes off Yo Gabba Gabba long enough to tell me I looked pretty. And that they liked the sparkles.

My husband said wow.

My son didn't understand why I was wearing a dress.

I am my own worst critic. Part of me thinks clean up nicely. The other part of me thinks I look like a sparkly Tootsie Roll.

My intimate apparel for this event cost more than my actual dress (and tragically, I couldn't expense the costs even though they are CLEARLY work-related). I may not be able to sit comfortably, and I haven't figured out how to successfully go to the bathroom while wearing an additional five pounds of spandex and Lycra. But Saturday night my ta-ta's will be pointing to the sky, my stomach will be smoothed over, and my hips will reveal themselves for the first time in 14 years. Even better, the dress looked like it actually belonged on my body.

And if I'm lucky, Saturday night I'll even get to enjoy a drink. Which will *hopefully* give me just enough of a buzz to forget that I possibly look a little sparkly, Tootsie Roll-esque.

Otto Titsling

All this talk of bras and shapeware reminded me of this mucsical number from the movie Beaches.

My mom used to sing this whenever she took me bra shopping.

Otto Titsling

Epiphany

So, I was asked to apply for a leadership development program that is being piloted at my synagogue. I filled out the paperwork, waited, was accepted and tonight was the first class. It was fun. We had dinner, socialized, talked, and spent some time studying Jewish text with partners and discussed the text as a group. No one was on their cell phone or iPad (even me!) and everyone was present and I the moment.

I was processing the experience as I drove home and it dawned on me that this is the first time in at least three years (since Things 2-3 were born) that I've been able to carve out some time for myself. I spend my days at the mercy of work and my morning, nights, weekends, every moment in between at the mercy of family, friends, community responsibilities, etc. This was three hours where I could sit, listen, and do something for me. I'm not going to be tested. I don't have to write a report, draft a proposal, craft an email, have a "difficult" conversation or manage a relationship. Making the time to be there wasn't easy, but it was worth it.

Then I started thinking about this experience relative to my desire take care of my health. And I absolutely think there is a connection. I had to get to a place where I was ready. I needed to be in a physical, emotional and spiritual place where I was able to step back, take a deep breath and JUMP. When the girls were about 15 months someone asked me what I was
doing to take care of myself. The answer was easy: nothing. I was I survival mode. You ask any parent with three young kids (and a full-time job) and they'll tell you the same thing. Maybe I figured out how to survive. Or I got used to surviving. Regardless, something changed. It's all connected and it's all good.

OMG....just saw a commercial for a show called "Swamp People. W.T.F.?

All my posts lately seem very introspective and serious. So not be. Need to find the funny.