Ugh

What I would do for a Mountain Dew and a slice of pizza right now!

But no.

Instead I am eating a late lunch of non-fat Greek yogurt, apple slices and a granola bar. Which means that I will be ravenous by the time I get home at 6:30pm. And completely disinterested in dinner (pot roast).

This happens to me EVERY DAY. I don't eat enough during the day because I am concerned that I won't have enough points for dinner. Then I go nuts when I get home because I am hungry.

Three goals

Three goals for this week:

1. No soda
2. Track my food
3. Exercise at least three days this week.

So far, so good. Then again, it's only Sunday night.

I hate how I look and feel. And I know I sound like a broken record complaining about these things since you can probably read through this blog and soon realize that I sound like a broken record.

Dread

I packed my lunch.
I printed out my monthly pass.
I double-checked the meeting time.

And I am still sitting here at work with a sense of dread in the pit of my stomach.

I need to figure our how to put the past behind me, accept the failures for what they are and move on. However, to do that also means letting go of past success. No longer am I the meeting success story who managed to work the program. Instead, I feel like I am right back where I started. Which probably isn't the case, but that's how it feels.

I actually woke up this morning and debated NOT going to a meeting. But then I realized that I would hate myself even more if I did that. . . because I know that going is a choice, and it's a choice I need to make for myself, my family and my health/future.

This weekend, out of the blue, one of the girls asked why I don't go to WW anymore. She doesn't understand weight, body image or clothes being too small. She asked because I used to bring her to meetings with me. I'd drop off the dry-cleaning, stop next door and get her a bagel and go to WW. The leader would always make a fuss of her and she loved getting on the scale to see how big she was. Having that 1:1 time with her on Saturday morning was special. Perhaps that is the push and incentive I need to keep going.

So ashamed of myself

I joined WW in July 2011 and over a period of a year and half I lost 70 pounds.

In the last 6 months I've gained a lot of it back. I am not sure how much, because I have yet to work up the courage to go back to a meeting and weigh myself. In addition to not tracking and making less than spectacular food choices, I see myself slipping into old patterns. Avoiding cameras, mirrors and my reflection. Not wanting to go within 10 feet of a scale. Making excuses. Clothes not fitting as well as they used to (or at all). I hate how I look. And I hate how I feel.

I KNOW what I need to do: attend meetings, track, recommit to working the program. But it's HARD. And I can't seem to find the motivation that I had back when I first joined. Now I am paying the price for it. I've fallen into a pathetic pattern over the last six months. I am really "good" for a week (water, exercising, tracking) and then after a week I am back to old habits.

What I do know, with certainty, is that I feel better about myself personally and professionally when I am in control of my weight/body/food. I recently started a new job and I want to physically feel good about myself because it spills over to my job (I am a professionally fundraiser). I also want and need to be a better example for my family.

I am ashamed of myself. That I came SO FAR and back-slid SO MUCH. I came here out of desperation and seeking motivation. And perhaps a kick in the tush.

Maybe I will post this publicly on Facebook. Maybe I am not ready. I don't want people to think that I am doing so in an effort to illicit attention. I am not fishing for comments like, "You look great" or "I can't tell you've gained weight." And I hate it when others do that.

To go, or not to go?

To go, or not to go: that is the question.

It is Friday morning. And I am sitting at here debating with myself whether or not to go to WW tomorrow morning and weigh-in. Why am I having this internal conflict? Because I am still mad at myself for eating as much as I did on July 4th. And if I go and find out I lost weight, I will be happy. And if I go and found out I gained, I will be really, REALLY upset. And sometimes not knowing it better.

Here are a few things you may not know. WW gives you 49 "bonus" points to use each week if you go over your daily allowance. You also can earn activity points for exercising. But activity points need to be used on the day they are earned, you can't carry them over from one day to the next the way you could on previous iterations of WW. Typically, I try not to use my bonus or activity points. For one, I am neurotic, and worry that I won't be successful if I eat beyond what's allowed by my daily point range. Perhaps more importantly, I tend to use Saturday as a cheat day. So I assume that any extra bonus/activity points are being consumed on Saturday and are not available for use during the rest of the week.

Here is an explanation of my anxiety

July 1: Exercised, and earned 11 activity points. Foodwise, I tracked. Did ok. Drank all my water, had plenty of fruti and vegetables.

July 2: Pizza night. Went over my daily allottment *a little*. But ok.

July 3rd: Planned my day and tracked my points. A day that included a trip to the movies and dinner with a friend. I counted my points and made "smart" decisions. I even shared dessert which I dutifully tracked afterwards. But, being the neurotic that I am, I worry that I didn't track dessert correctly (had to guess on the portion size). I used all my points, but if I didn't track correctly, I may have gone over.

July 4th: Started the day off great. Made breakfast for the kids (blueberry pancakes, which certain children complained were 'ick'). Met a friend at the gym. Did 40 minutes on the elliptical (4 pts.), and spent 50 minutes on the treadmill doing intervals (8 pts. because I can't seem to run for more than 3 minutes at time). I felt good. Strong. Ready to go. I was deliberately saving points for a party later in the day, so I ate a little something around lunchtime. But by 3pm I was starving. As in, "I can't wait until 4pm when the party starts because I may eat my own hand. Or one of the children." So I had something little (hummus, cucumbers, and a handful of Sun Chips). But it wasn't enough. I got to my parent's house and I was over-hungry. Which translated into a complete and utter lack of impulse control: margarita(s), a little soda, chips, guacamole, baked beans, bratwursts, dessert, etc. And forget about tracking.

July 5th: Did OK.

Which leads me to today.

Rationally, I know that it's about how I feel, and not a number. I get it. But I am still human, and "getting healthy," in my mind, is secondary to "losing weight." Not losing weight (for me) is the same as failure. I will be the first to admit that this is a process, and that there will be peaks and valleys. It just seems like I have been at this number for a while and I can't seem to move. A pound up, a pound down. A couple of ounces here, a few there. I have been doing this for almost a year. I am thrilled with that I jhave done, but I am starting to wish I had more to show for myself. Irrational? Yes. But I am also my harshest critic.

I didn't weigh-in last week. . . combination of exhaustion, my period, work travel, and a desire to sleep-in. My normal meeting leader has also been out for the last few weeks and I'm not crazy about the substitute. She's nice, but she doesn't know me, where I've been, where I want to go, and how/why I struggle. I am tired of being disappointed when I weigh-in. And that is what I have experienced for the last few weeks. Maybe I won't be disappointed. Maybe I will be. Maybe unicorns are real.

Decisions .  . . . decisions.

Here we go again

Back In the saddle again

It's official.

I suck at WW when I am out of my conform zone. The day starts with good intentions and goes down from there. In light of this revelation, here are my goals for the week.

1. Get in the recommended fruits, vegetables and water.

2. Take the multivitamin.

3. Track. Everything.

4. Plan ahead for the 4th of July and stick to the plan.

5. Eating out a lot this (mostly work, some pleasure). Plan ahead.

Lets see if publicly writing out (and publishing) goals for the week helps. Because I have got to do something different.

Wow. Don't I sound like a broken record.

Work travel and WW part II

So.....

Dinner could not come fast enough this evening. And when it's 6:30pm and most of of your points thus far have been consumed in the form coffee, you kinda-sorta crave something solid. Perhaps in the form of actual food.

Which is how I landed in a sports bar with my boss, a colleague from ASU and two donors (one of which is a board member). The way I see it, my blueberry-acai (vodka) lemonade really is serving of fruit. And the bar was playing music, some of which included songs on my iPod that I regularly listen to when I exercise. Hello activity points! Because listening to music in a bar while drinking is LIKE exercise. And lifting the drink to my mouth caused me to sweat (a little) in this oppressive Texas heat. My sandwich had vegetable in it, two actually. And french fries are made with potatoes and those are technically a vegetable. Potato...po-tah-toe. Right?

Bottom line? The road to WW is paved with good intentions.

Tomorrow starts anew. In the meantime, I'm going to crack the a/c in my hotel room down as low as it will go, snuggle under the duvet and relish the fact that for 72 hours I can pee without an audience of small children watching.