So ashamed of myself

I joined WW in July 2011 and over a period of a year and half I lost 70 pounds.

In the last 6 months I've gained a lot of it back. I am not sure how much, because I have yet to work up the courage to go back to a meeting and weigh myself. In addition to not tracking and making less than spectacular food choices, I see myself slipping into old patterns. Avoiding cameras, mirrors and my reflection. Not wanting to go within 10 feet of a scale. Making excuses. Clothes not fitting as well as they used to (or at all). I hate how I look. And I hate how I feel.

I KNOW what I need to do: attend meetings, track, recommit to working the program. But it's HARD. And I can't seem to find the motivation that I had back when I first joined. Now I am paying the price for it. I've fallen into a pathetic pattern over the last six months. I am really "good" for a week (water, exercising, tracking) and then after a week I am back to old habits.

What I do know, with certainty, is that I feel better about myself personally and professionally when I am in control of my weight/body/food. I recently started a new job and I want to physically feel good about myself because it spills over to my job (I am a professionally fundraiser). I also want and need to be a better example for my family.

I am ashamed of myself. That I came SO FAR and back-slid SO MUCH. I came here out of desperation and seeking motivation. And perhaps a kick in the tush.

Maybe I will post this publicly on Facebook. Maybe I am not ready. I don't want people to think that I am doing so in an effort to illicit attention. I am not fishing for comments like, "You look great" or "I can't tell you've gained weight." And I hate it when others do that.